Storms and a Rainbow

This post has been sitting as a draft for over a year.  As I have prepared to share Louisa's birth story, it has become clear that her story is intrinsically interwoven with this story.   

During the summer of 2020, Seth and I both had strong impressions that our family was meant to be a little bit bigger. We started trying and on September 5th, we got a positive test.

Morning sickness hit soon after my positive test.  It was worse than any morning sickness with my previous pregnancies.  I was nauseated non-stop.  In the past sleep has helped me feel a little better but this time around even sleep did not provide relief.  The only time I felt like me was the half hour before I got out of bed each morning. 

Pregnancy meant that I was in the high risk category for COVID.  I was nervous as the new school year started and I donned a face shield  and sat behind a large plexiglass barrier as I provided speech therapy.  The first week after starting speech therapy, I began to have some shortness and breath, body aches and a sore throat.  I got a COVID test and was so relieved to have it come back negative.

My first OB appointment was in October and was virtual due to COVID.  At that first appointment the nurse practitioner said she would have the ultrasound department call to schedule an ultrasound.  The call from scheduling never came and I got distracted with the business of the school year.  I was prescribed Zofran for the morning sickness.  The medicine worked really well the first day but after that, it just took the edge off of my nausea...with lots of other horrible side effects. 

On Friday, October 30th I went for my 12 week appointment.   I had a babysitter come over to watch the kids.  I had plugged in my phone before she came...because I wanted a full battery for the long wait at the OB's office.  When I was well on my way to the appointment, I realized that I had forgotten my phone.  I was nervous to not have a way to contact the babysitter but I didn't have time to turn back for my phone.

At the beginning of my appointment the nurse drew my blood and had me fill out the paperwork for the Cell-free DNA testing.  My OB came into the room and said she would go right to the Doppler so that we could hear the baby.  She searched but was unable to find a heartbeat.  Time seemed to slow down as she called out to her nurse to bring in a handheld ultrasound machine.  I was in complete disbelief when she continued to have difficulty finding the heartbeat.  She mentioned that she may be seeing two babies on the screen.  My OB had her nurse roll in a large ultrasound machine and she was still unable to find a heartbeat.  She told me she was so sorry and that I would need to go to the hospital for an ultrasound to confirm if this was a singleton or a twin pregnancy and if the pregnancy was viable.  She left the room and I fell apart.  I remember pulling down my mask as the tears flowed down my cheeks.

My OB and her nurse made arrangements for me to drive down to a nearby hospital for an emergency ultrasound.  I asked to borrow a phone so I could call Seth.  That phone call was by far the hardest that I have ever had to make.  I told Seth that I was at my appointment and that things were not going well.  He asked what I meant and I said that the doctor was unable to find a heartbeat.  I told him that I was being sent for an ultrasound at the hospital.  I had him go home to relieve the babysitter. 

The drive to the hospital was a blur.  I was the only person in the ultrasound waiting room.  Once I was called back, I remember my bladder being so full as the technician started the scan. The technician was so quiet.  She didn't give me any information until I asked questions.  I learned that I was carrying mono mono twins, meaning they are identical twins that are sharing one amniotic sac and one placenta.  I could see these two sweet babies cuddled right next two each on the screen but no heartbeats were detected.  I asked if the technician if she could print out a picture and she said no.  I am filled with regret that I didn't press the issue, that I didn't insist that she print out a picture that I could hold on to forever.  I was 12 weeks 3 days at that point and as the scan continued, I learned that my sweet babies had passed at 12 weeks 1 day and 12 weeks 2 days.  Learning that I had lost my babies in the two previous days was agonizing.    After the ultrasound, I drove back to the doctor office and we discussed my options.  The OB recommended that I have a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) due to how far along I was in the pregnancy.  The babies were the size of limes or walnuts at that point.

  

When I got home, I filled Seth in on all of the details.  At dinner that night Millie asked when the baby was coming out.  Seth and I had to break the news to the kids that there were two babies and that they were going back to heaven.  The whole situation was impossible for me to understand and our kids had a hard time understanding too.  For weeks and even months after when Millie asked when the babies were going to come out.  We explained that the babies had to go back to be with Jesus.  It broke my heart when Phin said he wanted to go to heaven too to be with Jesus.  I told him that I needed him here on Earth with me.

That first night was the longest night of my life.  I was unable to sleep due to anxiety and overwhelming grief.  I was so tired but my brain would not stop.  All I could think about was the two babies I was still carrying.  The two babies that I would forever carry in my heart...but that I could never carry in my arms. 

The next day was Halloween.  My parents had been in Idaho visiting my sister and I had them stop at my house on their way home so that I could share the news with them in person.  My dad helped Seth give me a blessing.  The rest of the day was so heavy.  I was trying to pull myself together so that we could have some good memories of Halloween.  We had planned to announce our pregnancy with our Halloween picture.  It broke my heart to know that we wouldn't be adding another passenger to our Mystery Machine.

The next week I tried to keep so busy that I didn't have time to think.  On Thursday, November 5th....two months after I found out I was pregnant I went in for the surgery to have my babies removed.  Two months doesn't sound like much to some but for nearly every moment I was awake during those two months I thought about those babies.  It was so hard to drive to the hospital and to wait for a surgery that you wish you never needed.  As I was wheeled off to surgery I felt so nauseated.  The anesthesiologist had me take my face mask off and I started to go under.  The next thing I remember is waking up in recovery.  I woke up crying and asking about my babies.   

I had asked the doctor if she could try to see what sex the babies were.  She said she would try and after surgery she said she was unable to determine the sex.  I decided to go ahead with Cell-free DNA test. I knew it would be easier to grieve my babies if I knew their sex, if I could give them names.

On our way home we stopped at Crown Burger for a Pineapple shake and some fries. I went straight to bed to rest.  

 

After the pain medicine wore off, I had the worst cramping that I have ever experienced.  I spent the weekend in bed with a heat pad.  The kids would often come and just sit by me.  The kids and Seth were my anchor during the difficult days and weeks that lay ahead. 

 

We didn't tell many people about our loss.  But those that we shared the news with rallied around to mourn with us and to comfort us.  We received dinners, cards, cookies, gift cards, numerous text messages and an extraordinary amount of prayers in our behalf.  I was in shock on two separate occasions when packages arrived on my doorstep.  Seth had shared the news with some of his co-workers and two of them sent packages of comfort.  I had the sense that these women knew the grief that I was experiencing.  I was completely overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness.

For some reason Sundays seemed to be my hardest days.  As grief descended on me, it was very hard to feel connected to heaven.  One particular Sunday was very difficult.  I set up our camera to take a family picture for our Christmas card and after taking the photo spent hours crying.  It was hard to come to terms with the idea that I would never have a picture here on earth of all of my babies.  

 

I had some physical complications after the surgery.  I felt like my body was betraying me.  I remember telling Seth that I felt "broken."  He said he didn't like that word.  I have realized since then that it is okay to feel broken because it means that we are in need of healing and that healing comes through the Savior.  He who descended below all things has the complete ability to comfort us.  It took months for me to realize that I may have gone through this loss so that I could more fully comfort others that go through similar experiences. 

In the weeks and months after our loss the hardest thing for me was when I could sense that other people were moving on.  People were making plans for summer and the plan that we had was lost.    The Cell-free DNA test came back and we learned that our sweet babies were boys.  We decided to  name them Abraham and Issac.  We chose these names so that we would remember the covenants we have made and so we could remember the lesson of sacrifice.  We wanted to remember that some day we would be reunited with our boys.  I asked Seth to make Christmas ornaments to represent Abraham and Issac.  He put together an ornament with their first initial, angel wings, a birth stone for the month we lost them and a charm that said Robertsons are Forever.

He also made a family ornament with all of our birth stones, an R for our last name and Angel wings.

 

I continued to have a strong impression that there was another baby waiting to come to our family.  I also feared that my body would not allow me to carry another baby.  In the months after the loss I did a lot of reading.  Here are a few quotes about grief that I related to:

 

• “All the sorrow of my life before put together could not equal it in agony.”  -L.M. Montgomery

• "Some grief is heavier than other grief. Sometimes grief moves through you and sometimes it gets stuck."  
  

•  "Grief is a full-body experience.  It takes over your entire body - it's not a disease of the mind.  It's something that impacts you at he physical level.  It's an honor to be in grief.  It's an honor to feel that much, to have loved that much." - Elizabeth Gilbert

• "Losing a child means carrying an almost unbearable grief, experienced by many but talked about by few." - Meghan Markle
  

At the end of February, I thought I might be pregnant again. As I was gathering up the courage to take a pregnancy test, I drove up to the temple.  I parked in front and sat in my car.  I was desperately seeking the peace and comfort that I have always found in the temple.  I was greeted by a beautiful sunset.  It was a sweet reminder to me of Heavenly Father's love.  It was reminder that he had a plan and things would work out.  The pregnancy test that I took the next day was positive and our rainbow baby was due on November 3rd.

 

The temple finally opened up again in July.  This is a picture from the first time Seth and I were able to return for an endowment session. I was almost to my third trimester at this point.  It was so comforting to be back in the temple.  I could feel my sweet boys and I could also feel our rainbow girl.  I realized that during the darkest moments of my grief that I was never alone.  I was always surrounded by my angels and they would continue to surround me.